​And for the women beside me…

This is to all the courageous women out there

From women running their own businesses or climbing the highest mountains, to women finding their voices and being loud enough to make changes, to women raising kids and just trying to make ends meet, I know a lot of brave women. If you’re reading this, you’re one too. Give yourself some credit for being the magical warrior you are, and don’t underestimate how much you’ve influenced my life. All those chances and risks you’ve taken, both with me and in your own life, help me do the same. The way you handle adversity like a champion shows me that I can do it too. I see the strength you all posses and know that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. It’s because of the compassion you’ve shown me, that I know I’ve got people backing me up no matter where life takes me.

I’m crazy about you  

My body stretches towards connection like a plant craving light. I want the approval of others. I want to fit in and feel like I belong, and this wanting, this need to be loved-   it can have consequences, because not everyone is going to like me.

And that hurts. It bruises my ego, makes me go a little crazy, it makes me want to shrink…. and sometimes it makes me want to get even, to fight back. Girls can be especially hard on each other and even harder on ourselves. 

The dark side of female rivalry 

Women are complicated. Duh ;) I’m no expert on our intricacies but I can’t help seeing myself in you. What we share is different for all of us, but there’s always a commonality. 

Most of us want to be warm and nurturing, but we still struggle with our darker side- feelings of jealousy, envy, and competition. No matter how confident we appear, the comparison game is usually going on in our minds.

Mind fucks 

How many times do we tell ourselves we’re too loud, too emotional, too fat? That we don’t smile enough, laugh enough, earn enough money or aren’t smart enough? 

I’ve struggled with feeling inadequate my whole life, silently judging myself and shying away from things I believe to be out of my reach. And then there are the women that own every room they enter like the goddesses they are. 

Can you believe I’ve envied you for being so damn confident? 

Thank you

How many women have I brushed aside or insulted because of my weaknesses? Too many probably. I’m so, so sorry. Sincerely. If I could go back with a more open heart, I would. You deserve it and so do I. Thank you for being you. Obviously, you are enough, more than enough, but please know that. Please continue to take up space in this world. It just wouldn’t be the same without you.

How many women have I loved? How many have I helped heal and have helped me heal? More than a handful, armfuls I reckon. Thank you for being there when I needed to vent and blow off steam. Thank you for making yourself a priority when my troubles don’t line up with your free time. That teaches me to take care of myself. Thank you for understanding when I need to send you a million text messages in a row, and for picking up right where we left off when we haven’t seen each other in months.

How often do we miss opportunities to grow because we’re too busy being stuck in unhealthy patterns? Hopefully less and less as we push forward….. together. Thank you for showing me ways to be better.  

 You win some you lose some

Recently I’ve had someone dismiss me in ways I wasn’t prepared for. At first, I thought maybe I did something wrong or that there was just something wrong with me. Second guessing my own worth by someone else’s actions sucks, big time.  I’m 40 years old and I still let other people’s opinions of me bring me down, but not for long this time. It’s taken waves of doubt to get here, but I’m bouncing back with a fiercer-than-ever love for all the women that have lifted me up, instead of torn me down.

It’s been a bumpy ride. Rejection is tough on anyone. We want to be loved and to be seen as lovable. Admitting a relationship is toxic is one thing, wanting to be better in the end, requires a good long look at yourself. And the work is real. It’s gritty and raw and takes courage. 

Sometimes you gotta put down your shield, be less protective, defensive, scared of old wounds, fresh wounds, never to be had wounds; put down your strength, and pick up your bravery….

Sensitivity is a sign of life. Better hurt than hardened. I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. After all the malevolent warriors end each other, the open-hearted will inherit the earth. Jeff Brown 

Gratitude and joy 

It’s an amazing feeling, to be overwhelmed with what’s good and right in the world, and those around us, instead of focusing on the things we don’t like. 

This is my work. This is what I consider one of the most important things I’ve ever done. To see the world in a way that brings me joy. To gravitate towards happy people and soak up every fucking ray of sunshine around me. May we all see the light in each other’s souls. May women hold each other up. Every. Single. Time.

I love you, as you are.